heart at half mast

8:46 am eastern daylight time

lives change forever
events before unimaginable
now etched on the cave wall of my mind

there are people running in the streets
chased by dust and debris
smoke follows like a demon
on fire

9:03 am eastern daylight time

another

this time proof of intent

the cave wall of my mind shatters

shock
fear
disgust
anger
rage
hatred
revenge

if i leave now
i could be there
in seven hours

starting to question
why
why my home town
do they hate us that much
i mean that much

twenty minutes to
the airport
stop over in toronto

mostly numb now
eyes on the monitor
same image
over and over and over and over and over

airports are closed
jump in the car?
drive?
three days straight thru

i need to do something
besides sit here and cry
and cry and cry and cry and cry

i phone home
is every one ok
do we know anyone who...

i know you used to work there
sit on the plaza
eat lunch people watch

what the fuck?

the knot in my gut
seems to grow with each
new piece of information
each new devastating
scene of destruction

i am taking this personally
this is my home town
these are my people
my streets
my history

cnn...
i watch
dancing in the streets
dancing in joyful
celebration
at the horrible deaths

death by burning
death by jumping from the 100th floor
crushing death stone and steel
dancing?
joyfully?

i was born in new york
and couldn’t wait to leave that city
when i was younger

now
all i want
all i can think
is to go home
help clean up
the mess

pick up a gun
kill someone

my heart is at half mast

not only for what was done in new york city
not only for what was done in washington dc
not only for what was done in pennsylvania

but for what was done
in me
for what i want to do
for the fear and hatred
i now carry
that refuses to leave me
that my soul cannot command to calmness
for the spirit that was killed
for this new demon
i have become